When 'To Be' Became Easier Than 'To Not Be!'

 

There is a book written by Gretchen Rubin titled The Happiness Project (which may or may not have influenced my quest’s name. Please pretend as if I came up with the name on my own!) One of the points mentioned by the author fascinated me. She says – If you have only one happiness commandment, make sure it is - Be Gretchen.

In other words, she tells us to be ourselves. Always and unfailingly.

Born a millennial and adulting into a new millennium, I find myself wildly oscillating between two worlds – the one where I grew up, where it was essential to please the society, to follow ‘rules’ and to be what everyone expected you to be, and the other world where I see people living the best versions of themselves without bowing to the expectations of the society. Frankly, the first world beckons me more, even today. But the other world – how tempting it is!

For a long time, I thought I would be happiest if I stayed in the good books of people. If I stayed low and invisible, at the same time, visible only at the right place, the right time and amidst the right people. As a child, obedience came easily since it was considered the norm to be regarded as a ‘good girl’. There was no place for any kind of rebellion because I didn’t feel anything wrong with the state of things.

Except, as an adult, I realized that I don’t have to please anyone anymore. I don’t have to be anyone I don’t want to. I don’t have to stay invisible or low. Most importantly, the right people will see me for who I am and will accept me unconditionally.

It took a long time to realize that I need to find out what makes me ‘Deepa’. I am still seeking. But at least I could note all the things that I am not, and don’t have to be.

It doesn’t come easily, this trait of being myself. After spending decades as a people-pleaser, it is difficult to not to give them any thought and to do what I want to, whether people will find an issue with it or not. I might anger many. I might disappoint many.

I haven’t exactly begun on my journey of being myself. But there are small daily improvements. I voice my opinions even though they don’t match with what is hash-tagging recently. I write what I feel, even though it is not as per the current trends. I say what I believe is true, even though it isolates me on the social media. I do not blindly advocate public causes that I do not believe in, just because the cause has a huge following.

I have to admit that it is not easy. While I used to take the safe way and stay neutral, some of my recent opinions have garnered me vicious backlash on the social media. I find myself on my own most of the times. But I would rather be alone, be true to myself, than blindly follow the crowd, simply to feel like I belong somewhere.

I still have to find everything that makes me Deepa. But every step I take every day, every opinion I voice, knowing that it won’t be met amicably, everything I write with a straight spine, everything I do as myself, and everything that I refuse that I do not want – all of these take me one step closer to being my true self. And I am learning to find joy and contentment in the process.

This blog is sprinting its way to the finish line with Piyush's Plotters as part of The Blogchatter Half Marathon!